you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
