Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
