I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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