I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
