conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
