i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
