Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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