i think my tv is drunk
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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