I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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