i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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