Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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