You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
