last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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