wanna go halves on a baby?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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