I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize