Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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