Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
