Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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