he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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