he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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