that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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