when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
