I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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