It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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