I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
