What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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