you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
