I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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