i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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