currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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