What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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