dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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