I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
