nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
