I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
