i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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