Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I would ride that face into the sunset
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
