I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
