I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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