Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
