so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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