Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
