We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
