God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
