when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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