did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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