Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
