I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
