he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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