I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
