he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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