i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
