She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize