The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
