I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
