He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize