If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
