Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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