Whod you bang
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
