How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
