drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize