you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
