His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
