why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
