when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
