if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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